Building Relationships

Building Relationships:

Part I:
Why and How to Understand People

A great philosopher and Hindu leader once asked his audience to define love. The respondents came up with a long list of answers. To each one he shook his head. Finally, he answered the question himself. "Love is nothing more or less than understanding."

Another great leader and writer, Stephen Covey, who authored "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," advised his readers with the same sentiment. "Seek first to understand and then to be understood."

What did these two great thinkers mean by "understanding?" It's better to start with what they did not mean. Understanding doesn't mean agreement with or approval of another person. It does not require you to condone a behavior; nor does it mean that you must give up your needs or feelings.

Understanding means the intellectual and emotional ability to engage in another person's perspective. The true secret to understanding is to take judgment out of the equation. The minute you catch yourself wondering whether that person has a "right" to act or feel they way they do, you have lost your ability to understand.

Understanding is essential to all healthy professional and personal relationships for three reasons: First, it helps us learn how to communicate. Second, when we understand a person, we let go of the need to control them and their behaviors, and lastly, we are able to let go of anger or frustration we may have towards them for not being exactly what we want or need.

The real question isn't whether or not we should understand others, it's how to do it. Think of someone in your life who you find challenging – a colleague, your child, a partner or a friend. Then start with these three actions:

1. Look for motives. Instead of focusing on behaviors you don't like, try to analyze the reason behind them. Does this person have a different philosophy about work and life than you do? Is this person acting from some deeper needs or insecurities? Once you identify the source behind the behavior, you are better equipped to deal with it. Put yourself in their shoes and try to see where they are coming from.

2. Identify patterns. The best way to understand people is to observe them. Repetitious behaviors provide very good insight into people's needs, as they show you what is truly going on in their conscious and unconscious minds. For example, if you have a colleague or spouse who is constantly in crisis, on some level they may get energy from chaos, or they may not want to slow down for fear of having to face some bigger issues in their lives. Patterns of behavior reveal people's deeper beliefs about the world and themselves. This helps you narrow down the key areas in which you can be more effective in your communication.

3. Listen. We all know the old adage that we were given two ears and one mouth to use in that proportion. Understanding others does not come from hearing ourselves talk. We must learn to listen – and not only to the words people say, but to the words they don't. Good listeners read between the lines, observe body language, and clear their minds of their own thoughts. That is no easy task, but it is the most important skill anyone can learn. The next column will focus on how to be a great listener and what that means to building relationships. So, stay tuned.

Most of us agree that our lives are rich not because of the things we own, but by the relationships we have. We get stuck in our needs, and our way of seeing things, and assume that things are black and white, when in truth, the answers are almost always in shades of gray. Understanding the complex personalities and needs of any other human being is among the greatest gifts we can give them, and ultimately ourselves.

By Elisa Levy